Divorce, especially between spouses with children, is extremely emotionally demanding. However, the whole situation is all the more complicated when one of the former partners shows signs of a narcissistic personality. We decided to write this article about the specifics of these cases, both from the point of view of the lawyer and from the point of view of the client, together with the coach and expert on narcissism, Peter Kinkor, who has already worked with more than 800 clients at various stages of separation, whose partner or ex-partner shows signs of a narcissistic personality. Petr Kinkor also works with lawyers who accompany clients through their divorces, and from the position of a consultant, he advises on setting up a suitable strategy, how to be a support to his clients on the one hand, but also how to successfully communicate with the other party, with whom reaching an agreement is often an unattainable goal.
This article, which is on the border between law and psychology, summarizes the basic concepts and draws attention to the pitfalls that the lawyer and his client should be prepared for in the context of divorce, but above all guardianship proceedings, and also briefly outlines how to set up the functioning of the family in the future. Narcissism is characteristic of both men and women, however, the pathological form described in this article is more prevalent in men (roughly 75% of men to 25% of women). This distribution is also evident from the practice of the authors of this article, so here we will focus mainly on male narcissism. The theoretical introduction is followed by an interview with Petr Kinkor, and the article ends with a joint practical summary of the main recommendations that result from practice in guardianship proceedings.
How to recognize a narcissist?
Narcissism is a matter of a certain spectrum of human characteristics, which can manifest itself from individual character traits (lying, manipulation, projection, etc.) to a complex personality disorder, which is defined as DSM-5 in addition to borderline disorder based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , histrionic disorders and dissocial personality disorders. All of these personality disorders carry narcissistic traits to varying degrees.[1] The combination of a certain number of characteristics makes it possible to label such behavior as narcissistic and the person who exhibits it as a narcissist. For the sake of simplicity, in the article and subsequent interview, we will refer to such a person as a narcissist, regardless of where he is on this scale. The partner of a narcissist, although this designation carries a certain stigma, for simplicity we will refer to it as a victim, or as a client.
The very diagnosis of a narcissist is difficult, because such a person, apart from inner anxiety and frustration, usually does not have a problem. But his surroundings have a problem. Persons who live in such a relationship for a long time also show certain specifics resulting from codependency (i.e. codependency) with a narcissist, which are very similar to, for example, members of religious sects. After the end of the relationship, these people may show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Divorce as such also exposes the narcissist to external pressure, which multiplies his internal anxiety and manifests itself in an enormous effort to harm the ex-partner, most often through finances, mutual acquaintances, and especially through children.
Narcissism is mainly characterized by a lack of empathy, superficiality, selfishness and a sense of own superiority (the narcissist feels that he is entitled to special treatment and that normal rules do not apply to him, for example he is willing to take only a privileged position in the team, in the event that this is not the case, then it often dissolves the collective from within). Narcissists can put on a very pleasant mask, they can appear very nice and modest, but once they find themselves on the defensive, they turn into strong arrogance. Masterful manipulative behavior, vindictiveness and Machiavellian thinking "the end justifies the means" are also characteristic. The most destructive consequences of this nature are manifested in interpersonal, especially partner and family relationships, thanks to the need to gain control over the other person, the inability to self-reflect, the inability to take responsibility for one's actions and the constant induction of guilt. The nature of a narcissist typically doesn't show right away. At the beginning of a relationship, he is charming, self-sacrificing, and can give the impression of even fatal harmony. Gradually, however, the true nature of such a person begins to manifest in the relationship, when, through a gradual process called intermittent attachment, he gets his partner into a position of dependence on his opinions, moods and emotionally positive reception. If, for example, a woman is financially dependent on the narcissist during her motherhood and parenthood, the work of destruction is usually accomplished through actual material dependence. Sometimes, on the contrary, especially in the case of hidden narcissists, they are able to use the victim's position very skillfully (he lost his job because his boss sat on him, or his ex-wife robbed him of a job) and they allow their partners to support them without hesitation, in these cases they show parasitic behavior. Behavior in relationships can take a different form from almost imperceptible hints and psychological trampling (punishment with silence, putting down the partner, etc.) to open physical violence.
Persons who are exposed to this behavior for a long time often experience feelings of inner confusion and begin to doubt their own mental health. In the presence of narcissists, even a uninvolved person can feel uncomfortable for no apparent reason, despite the fact that the narcissist can create an incredibly pleasant outward impression. In society, narcissists are often popular, and people from a socially non-committal background may refer to them as a reliable and self-sacrificing friend, colleague or superior, while close people are subjected to humiliation and sometimes even cruelty in the more advanced stage of the relationship. This mask is often unrecognizable to outsiders unless they themselves have personal experience with this type of behavior. It is this point that is key for the stage of the court proceedings, when it is necessary to convey insight into the situation within a limited space to persons who figure across this institutional spectrum (OSPOD, judge, mediator, lawyer of the opposing party). We will focus on this area both in the interview and in the subsequent summary of the article.
CONVERSATION
Narcissism is a very overused term. How can we distinguish a real narcissist, or the bearer of narcissistic traits, from an ordinary person who needs to be cornered in the complex situation of divorce and child custody?
As stated in the introduction, narcissism is a matter of spectrum and nothing can be defined absolutely. We all have narcissistic traits to some degree. Everyone lies, manipulates, gaslights sometimes, but these characteristics do not define a normal person. In various articles you will read, for example, 15 signs of a narcissist, but after reading you will find that such a person fulfills only 11 of them. Not every narcissist is the same and not everyone has the same characteristics. He is a covert, grandiose, communal and other types of narcissist up to more serious forms such as psychopathy and sociopathy. There are certain traits that we call narcissistic traits, or highly developed narcissistic traits (e.g. pathological liar). Lying is then accompanied by other traits such as manipulation, selfishness, etc. However, I believe that only a long-term evaluation of the situation and the relationship with the narcissist can tell whether it is narcissism or just selfish behavior under pressure. I see clients who come to me for a consultation just to verify that they are indeed dealing with a narcissist, and that is perfectly fine. Because victims of narcissistic abuse are thrown into a state of inner insecurity after a certain period of time, they internalize the narcissist's devaluation and simply stop trusting their senses and intuition. But sometimes the relationship itself, even of not necessarily narcissistic individuals, brings such frustration to both partners that they treat each other very badly, although 10 or 15 years ago they had all the prerequisites to be together and simply underestimated the situation at a certain stage and did not seek, for example, couples counseling.
You stated that there are several types of narcissists. Could you at least elaborate on the basic ones?
I think that for our purposes it is enough to state the basic division into obvious, i.e. grandiose, and covert, i.e. vulnerable, narcissists. A grandiose narcissist is a stereotypical type of narcissist. At first glance, they are macho, or we refer to them with the popular word "shampoo". They appear outwardly very self-confident and self-centered. As a rule, they are also quite successful professionally. Their disadvantage, however, is that they are easily detectable by people with at least a basic knowledge of psychological terminology. The covert narcissist is more complicated, appears very ordinary at first glance, and often does not fit the general typology applicable to grandiose narcissists. Outwardly, he can underestimate himself, or he can even apologize. Often, unlike the grandiose narcissist, he doesn't even care much about appearance. But they are the most dangerous narcissists precisely because they are unrecognizable at first glance to a non-participating person. Even the victims themselves live in confusion for years, because they have convinced themselves that they actually have a good and kind husband or wife, who only occasionally shows himself cruelly and incomprehensible. In both cases, narcissistic people are full of inner rage. They themselves feel like victims - of the world, the system, the family arrangement, and they are unable to take responsibility for their behavior and blame those around them for anything that does not go according to their ideas.
What are the specifics of breaking up with a narcissist, especially when it comes to property and children?
A narcissist feels that everything belongs to him. If we take into account the prevailing model of male narcissist, female victim, where the female raises the children and the male earns, then the male feels that the earned money belongs to him, the female is obliged to provide him with service and take care of the children as a breadwinner. In the event of a breakup, he naturally feels that he is entitled to everything, children and money. There are narcissists who want to get rid of children after a divorce, but there are very few of them. For narcissists, children represent the ultimate source of validation, from a parent-child perspective. The narcissist doesn't have to do anything and the child looks up to him just for the fact that he is his parent. In the case when the father does not take care of the children until the divorce, the specificity of the divorce situation with a narcissist is that there will be a radical change in his attitude. The father becomes father of the year. He tries to give the children time, buys them presents and the children listen to this, especially in situations where the father has not been so emotionally or time involved so far. For a certain period of time, the narcissist is willing to make every effort to be a great father, to adjust his work hours, to spend money on activities and gifts for the children, because in this case he knows that by changing his attitude he will win the children and at the same time destroy their mother. It is typical for narcissists to use children as a weapon against their ex-partner in the vast majority of cases, and it is in these cases that the rejected parent syndrome most often arises.
What about narcissistic women? Is their approach different from men?
It is similar for women, but usually the situation does not go to such extremes. In general, however, women also use children and finances as a tool, when the primary intention is to deprive the partner of children and at the same time portray the father in the eyes of the children in a negative light. At the same time, narcissistic women try to obtain the maximum maintenance obligation. In the ratio of men and women suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, however, there is a greater preponderance of men. Women, on the other hand, tend to have a borderline personality disorder, which, however, in terms of consequences, intersects with narcissism in many ways. Emotional lability is typical there, in contrast to narcissism, where we encounter the proverbial icy calmness that results from a lack of empathy.
What about partners of narcissists? Do they have a common character trait?
Victims of narcissists are often very empathic people, sometimes even so-called super empaths. Such people are on the opposite scale to a narcissist, they are often focused on other people as a result of some of their predispositions from childhood, they are caring people who do not hesitate to sacrifice their comfort for the well-being of others, which is a breeding ground for a narcissist. Very often they have experience with a narcissist in their nuclear family, so they allow themselves to be drawn into a relationship with the narcissist and gradually get liked more than other people. Even if a person did not have such predispositions before entering into a relationship with a narcissist, and for some reason did not leave such a relationship in time, after a long time in a relationship with a narcissist, they develop them and a so-called codependent relationship arises. At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist often surrounds his victim with love and attention, but gradually pathological patterns creep into the relationship. The good times diminish and the narcissist begins to trample his partner mentally and sometimes physically, but this does not happen consistently. The narcissist's stomping and mood swings are alternated with kindness and jolts of the good old days. This stage is called the intermittent reinforcement process and it is one of the most powerful addiction builders. You receive a certain amount of love in the initial period, this process is then interrupted and loving expressions begin to appear less frequently and irregularly, which guarantees a constant supply of your emotions to the narcissist. The victim can make an enormous effort to get back his "drug" in the form of love that was once there. It is built on a similar principle to slot machines. They let the player win quickly, which is an intoxicating feeling, but then the intervals between wins increase so that the player ends up losing all his money. So-called cognitive dissonance is typical for victims of narcissists, i.e. an internal contradiction between what they feel or believe and what they rationally know. Even in the breakup phase, the victim or client still wants the relationship to work, she doesn't want to break up, even though she knows it's destroying her relationship. She still hopes that if there is some slight change, or if she tries harder, will be more tolerant, then she will be able to save the relationship. Our minds are designed to be in harmony between what we believe and what information we receive. When a contradiction arises there, we tend to subconsciously relieve ourselves of this disharmony. In other words, we start lying to our pockets. We start avoiding certain information, friends, family. Clients stop going to therapy. They simply avoid anything and everything that reminds them of the dysfunctionality of the relationship and want to believe that the narcissist has changed, that this time the relationship can and will work. At the end of a relationship and as part of a well-ordered divorce or separation, the client himself must accept the painful truth of who the narcissist really is, mourn the years spent together, decide to set firm boundaries and move on.
Is there any possibility from the position of a friend or relative partner of the narcissist to somehow save him from this situation, to open his eyes?
Unfortunately, no. I am often asked this question by relatives, especially mothers of victims. You have to respect the stage of the relationship the victim is in with the narcissist, be a good mother or friend, so as not to lose contact and trust with this person. When you start convincing people when they are not ready for it, they will start to avoid you either by their own will or with the help of the narcissist. The only option is to wait for a certain momentum, when the relationship will go down and the victim will start listening to you again. Unfortunately, these relationships are characterized by repeated break-ups and returns, with each return carrying worse and worse consequences. I never found that another chance would improve the relationship, on the contrary. Unfortunately, no one can take responsibility for someone who does not want to take responsibility or is not sufficiently prepared for it.
There is an extensive terminology surrounding narcissism, which we have already touched on in several places. Can you introduce some main concepts?
The entire manifestation of narcissists is based on manipulation. A narcissist feels inner inadequacy, feels unloved and unaccepted from childhood, for whatever reasons. So he learns to lie from childhood and creates a false image of himself. It is a certain inner suggestion that they believe. His closest person, i.e. his partner, has an insight under this skin sooner or later. Better said, through the closeness of the relationship, some real character traits that the narcissist is unable to fully hide gradually come to the surface. After the phase of anchoring the relationship and his position, which we call idealization or bombardment with love, the narcissist gradually stops holding this mask. But as soon as you start confronting the narcissist with this fact, you suddenly become the object of his devaluation, both in private and in public. The victim is condescendingly described as envious, condescending, or hysterical. Typical tools of narcissists include gas lighting, which is questioning the other person's reality.[2] For example, a narcissist denies ever saying or doing a thing that is beyond doubt, or questions another's feelings following a valid reproach. For example, if he is convicted of infidelity, he vehemently denies the incident and accuses his wife of being overly jealous, oversensitive, or just plain crazy. Another term used in connection with narcissism is flying monkey[3]. This is a term for people who are being manipulated, or recruited by a narcissist and his rhetoric to win the narcissist over to their side, in an effort to harm the victim. In principle, these persons do not or may not have ulterior motives. They want to benefit your relationship, or contribute to solving the situation, but they adopt the narcissist's version of reality, in which the victim is to blame: "After all, he means well to you, look, he doesn't beat you, he doesn't drink, he brings home money, maybe you want to break up the children's family ?' But even OSPOD workers and judges, who, in an attempt to get the parties to an agreement, order repeated mediations, or simply downplay the seriousness of the narcissist's actions, get into the position of flying monkeys. Here, however, unfortunately, the judicial apparatus without a more comprehensive education in this area does not have the capacity to fully assess the situation in a limited time. At the same time, I therefore recommend clients in the stage of a beginning divorce to be proactive and to go to the police or OSPOD before the narcissist goes there and "infects" them with his version of reality with his famous charisma. The narcissist is also very skilled at shifting his own problems onto you, the so-called projection. A narcissist who lies paradoxically accuses you of lying, if you do not receive a caress from the narcissist, he accuses you of physical coldness and so on. These accusations are so absurd in the eyes of the victim that he is subject to efforts to explain and refute them, to defend himself. But it's a waste of time. A narcissist has no self-reflection. But the key tool of the narcissist is above all guilt work, which works great with his victims thanks to their empathy and their own predispositions from childhood. He often works with the concepts of never or always. "You never clean up, you always let the kids do everything, you never apologized." A narcissist can completely control the discussion through a manipulative technique called word salad (word salad). As part of diverting attention from their problematic approach and avoiding an answer to a direct question, narcissists tend to spin endless expressions with branching themes, which are a mixture of half-truths, lies, compliments, insults and pseudo-logic, at the end of which the interviewer usually does not receive a clear answer. Another advantage of the word salad tactic, whether in an interrogation or in normal communication, is that if someone communicates with you in this way for a long time, once in a while the peace will overflow and you will explode. And that's exactly what a narcissist needs in store. The narcissist immediately takes a morally superior position and points out the psychological instability of the victim, in the event that even sharper words are spoken, he immediately has the trump card in the form of insults from vulgarity. This again brings the victim into submission and can further work with the distribution of guilt.
This leads us to the next question. Can you recommend a brief strategy for dealing with a narcissist?
I would emphasize above all what I practice with my clients. Before the meeting, it is necessary to calm down the client and go over the set goals with him. For the purposes of the interrogation, it is necessary that he distance himself from the problem as much as possible. The narcissist will try to discredit the victim, using false statements. The client, unless it is a serious accusation, must be prepared to calmly listen to the narcissist's speech, respond simply and impersonally and return to the original topic. For example, if he mentions during the interrogation that the mother never gives the children a hat in winter, then he will succeed in getting the attention to be transferred from him to the mother. She spends her interrogation refuting a fact that is not only not true, but also very difficult to prove. To defend against the verbal salad of the narcissist, the so-called broken board technique is effective. Repeating the original question over and over until the narcissist is forced to give a satisfactory answer. This is the task of the lawyer in particular during the questioning of the opposing party. A large part of the interaction with the narcissist is mainly based on the fact that the client is forced to respond to situations caused by the narcissist and to his claims. The client and his lawyer, although it is extremely difficult, should get into a position where they have their part of the dispute under control and, above all, express themselves and not react. I often find that victims of narcissistic partners try to anticipate the wants and desires of the narcissistic ex-partner. The client should be re-adjusted to a position where he primarily defends his interests and the interests of the children. That is, to be primarily active, not reactive. If the narcissist skillfully lies in the given case, the client must be prepared to lie in court as well. Regarding the lie told, if it has any substance for the proceedings, it is only necessary to define it calmly and briefly, for example with the sentence "I am not surprised that the husband says this, because he states this very often, but I do not agree with it." and continue within the framework of the prepared strategies and own agendas.
Would you recommend any education regarding the nature of narcissism towards shared children? And if so, at what age?
First of all, it is important not to take responsibility for the children having a good relationship with the other, narcissistic parent. It is especially about the mother, so that she is a good mother to the children and if the children have a good or bad relationship with the father, then leave it to the responsibility of the father, whatever he is. A non-narcissistic parent should be maximally present, should put out the fire of current pains, but not encourage the child in the opposite perception than he himself experiences. For example, not to say that the narcissistic parent likes the child, that he is not paying attention to the child just because he has a lot of work, or that the father did not mean what the child said to the child. In this way, the mother would pass on a dysfunctional model and undermine the child's trust in her own feelings and mask the true reality. In principle, I do not recommend explaining to children that the other parent is a narcissist, regardless of age. Children come to such a conclusion on their own, but usually only in adulthood. The most important thing is to be a present and good parent to the children, to the extent that I can, and when I see that the other parent is harming and manipulating the children (but I am not talking about serious forms such as physical violence or abuse), it is only necessary to state the facts, not by using the adjectives "daddy is a liar", but by naming the situation "this is not true". I therefore recommend avoiding direct evaluation of the other parent and, unless it is a case of more serious forms of manipulation or abuse of children, to respond only to the impulses that the child comes up with on his own.
What is the perspective for the future in terms of further family functioning?
It is necessary to prepare the client for the fact that the trial is just beginning. Even within the framework of further functioning, he will experience stress and it is necessary to come to terms with it and accept it internally. The court defines the basic rules of operation, but unfortunately even "paper" does not cover everything. In the future, it is therefore necessary to work on one's own measure of subjectively experienced stress. The more boring you become to this person, the less the narcissist tends to do further harm. This strategy is called "grey rock" and its purpose is to become emotionally uninteresting to the narcissist. He will shift his attention to the next victim, most often to a new partner, who will give him fresh emotional food. It is also good to realize that although we often perceive narcissists as concentrated evil, it is not a game of good guy and bad guy, or victim and predator. What has healing power here is to internally break out of the role of victim and take responsibility for what is happening and what has happened. It is important for the narcissist to stop defining the victim's life. Accept that life with a narcissistic co-parent will not be what you imagined for yourself and your children, but it can still be fulfilling. It's like if you break your leg badly, you'll probably limp for life, but you can still live a quality, active life, even though you probably won't run a marathon.
A roundup of practical tips for ex-partners of narcissists and their advocates
Based on what was said above, we will now try to briefly summarize the issues and specifics of divorce, especially the phase of custody proceedings with a former narcissistic partner. Whether you are currently divorcing or have already separated and are preparing to institutionalize your relationships (property settlement, child care), it is important to prepare thoroughly. In the process of divorcing a narcissist, the opposite rules apply to those recommended for "normal" breakups, if there are children involved. During a normal breakup, it is recommended to be open and communicate as much as possible with the ex-partner, and the holy grail of all institutional workers is to "come to an agreement first". Partners who have a certain period of relationship behind them know, or are starting to find out, that in these cases an agreement is basically impossible. Although the narcissist publicly calls for agreements and compromises, he is usually unable to do so himself. A narcissist is not willing to respect any rules, but tries to adapt them to his needs and interests. He is also a master at causing confusion and conflict even based on seemingly banal situations. He has a tendency to cross the already set boundaries, for example interfering with the children's time with the other parent, either by unexpected visits, constant phone calls, or by picking up the children from kindergarten or school outside the designated time. If you have already reached an agreement, it is often violated, and the narcissist avoids having everything "black and white" under pretexts that sound seemingly logical (appeals to previous good relationships, the need for flexibility with regard to the needs of children, etc.).
- Try to limit communication to factual matters only, avoid personal conversations and limit sharing of private information. Request essential information only in writing, especially in the area of financial agreements or the planned schedule of child care, including specific times and places of handover. Try to prevent problems and agree on the schedule for holidays and vacations well in advance and also in writing. Avoid any gray areas where there should be something on the operative agreement. Even verbal agreements should be confirmed by email or other documentable written communication, although even this does not guarantee their compliance. The narcissist often uses arguments that the relevant agreements were made under different circumstances, or that the schedule was forced to be broken for the sake of the child or due to an emergency. Narcissists tend to be very skilled at causing chaos, which they end up blaming on the ex-partner. Given that their victims are typically very, even overly empathetic, for them, slandering them out of malicious intentions ("you're only interested in money"), or out of poor care for joint children ("you'll destroy our children"), is a very functional tool manipulation. The client who comes as part of the pre-trial preparation must therefore arm himself mentally, set firm boundaries and a clear course of direction. A narcissist who sees his ex-partner escaping behind a wall of brief communication diverted through a lawyer will attempt to win the victim back by appealing for the restoration of "normal" relationships and communication. The client needs to be prepared for this with the help of a therapist or coach specializing in narcissism.
- Surround yourself with an experienced team of professionals. For these purposes, we strongly recommend that you be represented by a lawyer, preferably one who is aware of narcissism and is aware of the pitfalls of negotiating with this personality type. At the same time, it is good to secure professional help from a therapist or coach who is familiar with the issue of narcissism. It often happens that victims of narcissistic abuse are secondarily traumatized in the course of therapy, when the therapist tends to downplay the described problems, or focuses attention on the client's "excessive sensitivity". This is especially true for victims of covert narcissists who practice their abuse subliminally and subtly.[4] The ideal is a combination of at least one client-lawyer-therapist team session, which will prepare the client for all the pitfalls of the court proceedings as well as the predictable steps of the narcissist outside them. In this way, on the one hand, the education of the lawyer is ensured, and at the same time, an appropriate defense strategy is set for possible outbursts of the narcissist. One must be prepared for the fact that the narcissist will not proceed fairly, will distort the facts, lie openly, and in the field of finance conceal assets and misrepresent income.
3. Be active. If it is a guardianship proceeding, we recommend contacting OSPOD even before he is appointed as a guardian in the proceedings. Practice shows that in most cases the narcissist contacts OSPOD first, often only through an informal visit, where they can "just give advice". Subsequently, the client has a limited opportunity to reverse the initial narrative of the narcissist. Due to the fact that narcissism is a relatively overused term, we do not recommend labeling a narcissist as a narcissist in front of others, but instead focus on describing individual features of behavior, which must be supported by a brief case history, which, if possible, you have at least partially supported by evidence. An expert assessment of a parent when a certain psychopathology is suspected is possible, but in practice it is approached rather rarely. On the one hand, it is due to the current lack of experts, thus the order of the psychological, or a psychiatric review means a further extension of the entire procedure in the order of months, and a clear argument must be given for such a procedure. If the narcissist does not commit a significant excess (abduction of a child, physical violence) and moves on a scale of small, however consistent, on purpose, it is difficult to prove that there is a certain psychopathological feature behind such behavior. Unfortunately, there is a lack of focused education of professionals involved in the child care process in this area, and unless such a person has personal experience with narcissism, it is almost impossible for a non-participant to see through a narcissist within a limited time. If there is physical violence, or if a narcissist breaks into an ex-partner's apartment against their will, we recommend reporting everything to the police. In the event that the agreement with the narcissist is severely dysfunctional, or the ex-partner moves the children out of the area of their previous residence or withdraws them from school or kindergarten without the consent of the other parent, we recommend that you submit a proposal for a preliminary measure to temporarily adjust the situation before the court makes a decision. Basically, one of the main recommendations is not to give in to the pressure of a narcissistic ex-partner with the vision that the situation will calm down afterwards. Restless. It is necessary to establish a firm legal framework for mutual functioning as soon as possible and to let the narcissist know that you will consistently demand their respect.
4. The proposal to adjust childcare needs to be thoroughly prepared so as to cover all possible eventualities. It is recommended to minimize both the gray areas that could be a field of action for the possible discretion of the narcissist, as well as the time together with the narcissist. We recommend handing over children through pre-school and school facilities and establishing a detailed handover scheme in case of illness or school holidays and holidays. It goes without saying that the exact times and places of handing over must be indicated. If the handover is determined at the parents' place of residence, we recommend introducing a rule that the handing-over parent drives the child to the receiving parent's place of residence. This will eliminate cases where the client arrives at the narcissist's residence and the child is neither physically nor psychologically ready to be handed over (for example, the narcissist turns on a fairy tale for the child shortly before the arrival of the adoptive parent or allows the child to play a normally prohibited computer game). If it is handed over to the receiving parent, the narcissistic parent must at least actually pack the child and deliver it to the residence of the other parent, thereby reducing (not eliminating) the room for obstruction in the handing over of children. Although not all the rules of joint functioning can be included in the sentence, appeal to the court in written and oral submissions to include other rules at least in its reasoning (e.g. an exemplary list of extraordinary costs that go beyond the scope of alimony and the distribution of their payments between the parents[5], communication rules, handover rules in case of illness, etc.). As mentioned above, one of the main recommendations for parents in post-separation functioning is to maintain joint custody as much as possible with two very permeable households. Unfortunately, the complete opposite is true of parenting with a narcissist. The topic of joint parenting is used by him to manipulate the ex-partner, interfere in his private life, sometimes even bully, while for the children such a system represents only further traumatization and confusion in the subsequent arrangement. In foreign sources, there is an opinion that the only viable model of subsequent child care in the case of a narcissist is so-called parallel parenting, i.e. very strictly separated time of each parent with the children, with very firm boundaries set against interfering with the time of the other parent[6].
5. Don't get pulled back into the game. As part of the proceedings, the court and other workers involved in guardianship proceedings tend to lead the parties to an agreement, by ordering mediation, or through a variety of couple counseling. The narcissist usually has a tendency to use these institutions to further drag out the process and trample on the ex-partner. If the client is trying to avoid direct confrontation with the narcissist and communicates through a lawyer, this is a welcome opportunity to bring the ex-partner back into the game, as these sessions are usually conducted without legal representatives. Narcissists will weed the mediation time with word salad, and when they come across a sufficiently confrontational topic to provoke a reaction from the ex-partner, then the structure of the mediation is completely lost. It is the task of an experienced mediator or counselor to have the skills of a moderator of political debates and briefly return the narcissist to the merits of the matter. At the same time, the client must be disciplined not to rely on the narcissist's emotionally colored or outright false statements. When it is necessary to refute a lie told by a narcissist, it should be done briefly, without getting bogged down in the topic. If no tangible progress is made within one, maximum two sessions with the mediator and the process is blocked by word salad, we recommend ending the mediation and insisting on the authoritative decision of the court.
6. V within the procedure itself all the above rules apply:
- The basis is a precisely compiled design with the maximum level of detail in all predictable areas.
- If some parts of the proposal are unenforceable, i.e. their text cannot be taken over in the text of the statement part, it is necessary to appeal to the court so that they are at least included in the text of the justification, or request the parent's instructions from the court, which will be recorded.
- We recommend making detailed preparations with the client for his interrogation, especially in the part of the opposing party's questions. If the client defends himself against the supposed faults claimed by the narcissist, he will become unnecessarily defensive and waste his time defending himself against imaginary accusations. Also, the client, often frustrated by years of living together, may lose his temper in court under the pressure of the narcissist's accusations, appear confused, unstable and unsympathetic, thereby supporting the narcissist's narrative about the complicated nature of the victim. The client can agree on a sign with the lawyer, on the basis of which the lawyer will warn him during the questioning that he is getting bogged down in undesirable defensiveness and let him know to return to the essence of the matter.
- The lawyer should be carefully prepared for all eventualities and be familiar with potential topics that the narcissist might find useful in discrediting the other parent. Narcissists have a utilitarian relationship to the truth, they are able to lie even on provable matters, and therefore it is good to have written evidence ready at least against predictable claims. There is no need to actively file them, but only do so when the narcissist claims otherwise, in order to cast doubt on his overall credibility.
- At the same time, it is necessary to avoid overwhelming the court with evidentiary material, which the client tends to do, because narcissistic abuse usually consists of many small tricks and tricks and can be recognized in context rather than in isolation from "big offenses". It should be up to the lawyer to assess which matters have legal relevance and which case history to present in the statement to the court in order to cover the essence of the problem as faithfully as possible, since the client may have diametrically different key topics.
The rules mentioned above are only the tip of the iceberg of the overall situation, they probably won't help to solve the matter completely, but they can make the whole process more efficient, or at least help to understand the problem. As it follows from the text, the issue of narcissism and psychological abuse is very difficult to grasp, unlike open physical violence, although it is no less devastating for family life due to its pathological consequences. While our system is already institutionally equipped, at least in basic respects, to help victims of physical violence, psychological abuse is still rather overlooked and downplayed. Although psychological abuse is terminologically subordinated to domestic violence, the awareness of this issue on the part of experts involved in the process of divorce and child care is insufficient in this regard, and awareness and education are still very underestimated. It is a natural consequence of the poorer provability of such an act, it does not leave physical traces, but the associated traumas are all the more difficult to treat. A separate category is the question of the impact of raising a narcissistic parent on children, which goes far beyond the scope of this article and which we touched on only marginally. Therefore, this text is rather a modest attempt to contribute to public awareness in this area and an example that free agreement of parents and other stereotypically accepted recommendations regarding post-divorce family arrangement are not always the most appropriate solution to the situation.
Source: epravo.cz
Mgr. Daniela Holá, a lawyer
Petr Kinkor, coach and expert on narcissism
www.petrkinkor.cz
Other resources:
Miraza Debbie, How to Spot and Fight Back Covert Narcissists, Grada Publishing, Inc. 2022
Bonelli, Raphael M., Male Narcissism, Portal, 2018
Röhr Heinz-Peter, Narcissism – the inner dungeon, Portal 2001
Jandová Lucie, Life with a narcissist - More than a guide to a collision with a psychopath, Jandová Lucie 2021
Ross Rosenberg, Human Attraction Syndrome, Dauphin, 2019
Selma Evans, Co-Parenting With A Narcissist, Selma Evans 2023
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist#avoid-negativity
[1] http://petrkinkor.cz/2020/11/09/narcismus-je-popis-rysu-osobnosti-nikoliv-diagnoza/
[2] It is based on the Oscar-winning film Gaslight (1944), in which the husband dims the lights in the house while convincing his wife that she is only dreaming and she is losing her mind.
[3] The so-called Flying monkeys. A term taken from the movie The Wizard of Oz, in which the wicked witch enchants flying monkeys to do her dirty work.
[4] Miraza Debbie, How to Spot and Fight Back Covert Narcissists, Grada Publishing, Inc. 2022, pp. 28-29
[5] This is especially problematic in the case of alternating custody, where usually only mutual maintenance is established, which equalizes the standard of living of the parents, but it is not usually clarified who is the payer of the costs incurred for the children, such as clothing, payments for the children's clubs and activities, medical costs utilities etc.
[6] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202107/co-parenting-narcissist-the-impossible-dream
